Dealing with Designers

“You may want to consider muted earthy shades for the wedding apparel to offset your daughter’s dusky complexion. Did you see Anoushka Shankar’s nuptial photographs? She looks fantastic in Green. Vermillion red is so passé and middle class. You may also want to consider her joining the spa; they would plan her diet, change her skin tone, make her exercise and also do some non invasive liposuction. ” The designer gave her monologue while sipping her green tea and purred in satisfaction since she had managed to get all her concerns off her chest without the bride to be snarling at her. She found these confident young educated girls very difficult as customers. They truly seemed to believe that men were attracted to their brains and their talents. Being the most highly regarded designer in India and having dressed the powerful and wealthy she knew the laws of attraction very well.

Mrs.Mehta quickly diffused the tension in the air before her daughter could react. “We see your point my dear but the groom and his family are old school. They like the lovely curves the bride possesses and the colour red.” She matched the tinkle of her fake laugh to the designers smirk. There was no better way to silence everyone in north India than to bring in the groom’s family. They represented all the deities rolled into one during the wedding season. The designer sighed and said “I suppose you will now be ordering shiny gold jewellery and not giving it an antique finish as I has suggested? Well, Lara Dutta looks good in the D’damas advertisement so it can’t be too bad.” Sneaking a look at the bride’s purple face which looked like she was going to have a coronary, the designer beat a hasty retreat after giving Mrs.Mehta two air kisses.

“Mom, why do you pay people so much money and listen to their insults? I find this woman abominable. Let’s buy a Kanjeevaram from Nalli’s. My medical school friends will be disgusted at this horrendous display. Do you know the furniture designer has refused to incorporate a bookcase into the living room? She says the multiple colours of the books will clash in the colour scheme! She refuses to look at natural cotton fabrics and wants only beige silk with zariwala cushions! I refuse to have dry flowers in the room and please do not buy the art she recommends. She insists on either sad people with large eyes or cows outside a temple, all in shades of brown and black to match the colour scheme!!! I want a home not a hotel.”

Mrs.Mehta sighed and rubbed her temples. She had worked hard and saved money to give her daughter a designer wedding to remember but she found that spending money seemed to make life tougher rather than easier. Wedding consultants worked well if the customer was convinced about their inadequacies and handed over the mantle of their decision making which could not be considered with her tempestuous daughter. She picked up her cutlery and sat down to eat her unappetising salad lunch since she was attempting to lose her love handles for the occasion. She looked at the fork and knife which was a Diwali gift from her best friend. It was from the Africa series of a very elite design establishment but to her eyes they strong resembled tongs that should be inserted in her hair to keep her bun in place. A long bamboo stick ended with a tiny appendage from a Barbie kitchen.

Weren’t designers supposed to incorporate aesthetics with utility? Why did they most often work at cross purposes? Mrs. Mehta stared at her refrigerator as a case in point. The freezer which is opened to retrieve non vegetarian raw material twice a day is at the most convenient location at eye level. The water shelf and the vegetable/ fruit tray which is used multiple times by everyone is at the bottom of the fridge which made most people with back problems go into an absurd squat position. Why are name plates in office complexes placed at the end of the corridor, after the lifts? Her office designer would rather have her take anti allergy pills than take out the carpet in her room. Every designer hated storage place for accounts books, box beds for storing the quilts and bookshelves in the house.

As a doctor Mrs.Mehta was aware that putting the young girls through a crash diet and a slimming centre was the worst curse that a mother could give to her nuptial bliss for all physiologists know that absence of fat in the body would necessitate artificial lubricants. Yet the slimming industry thrived on the marriage market. Her daughter wanted a real Shehnai player to play at the entrance to greet the guests while the wedding planner wanted Vijay’s band along with a few nautch girls splashing Ittar on the guests. The bride wanted marigold decorations and the florist wanted white lilies Hollywood style. And here she was ignoring her patients and playing referee to trivial conflicts with a perennial migraine and a hollow stomach.

Mrs.Mehta decided that she should think positive and document her experiences so that she may consider an alternate career by writing a book on “Dealing with Designers”.